An Idiot's Guide to the European Tour

Hello, dear reader. Are you, like me, an idiot with a penchant for obscure foreign sports leagues? Well, it’s your lucky day, because you have in front of you the definitive guide to European Tour golf, with a breakdown of the schedule, the broadcast team for European Tour Productions, the potential 2020 European Tour Ryder Cup team, and a bunch of other Euro Tour guys. Enjoy!

Let’s start with the schedule. The European Tour schedule runs the entire year and can be broken down into four broad categories:

Co-sanctioned/Frequent Flyer Miles Golf Season

Unlike in the United States, the weather in Europe does not allow tournaments to be played there year-round, so to maintain a year-round schedule they play all over the world. From the start of the season in November and April, the European Tour doesn’t hold a single event in Europe, playing in the warmer climates of southern Africa, India, Australia, Malaysia, China, and the Middle East instead. These tournaments mostly offer smaller prize pools in the one to three million dollar range (with the exception of a few Middle East tournaments we’ll address in the next section) and don’t draw the strongest fields, but because these events are typically co-sanctioned with smaller local tours, they offer the opportunity for unknown local players to get a win and rapidly rise to the top of European golf.

India’s Shubankhar Sharma was a perfect example of this. In December of 2017, he was 462nd in the world and grinding on the Asian Tour. Then he won the tri-sanctioned Joburg Open in South Africa to get a Euro Tour card, won again in Malaysia in early February, and by late February found himself in the final group of the WGC Mexico on Sunday and on his way to a Masters invite. This type of meteoric rise is just about impossible on the PGA Tour, which offers almost no playing opportunities for non-members. 

These events also tend to be the first look at future international PGA Tour stars: Louis Oosthuizen, Charl Schwartzel, and Branden Grace all started on South Africa’s Sunshine Tour and climbed to the European Tour. Get to know the stars before they’re stars, and enjoy the most fun, organic events on the tour, because they’re the complete opposite of…

Blood-Soaked Oil Money Bag Season

For many years, these were three tournaments starting in mid-January in Abu Dhabi, Doha, and Dubai. It’s an open secret that the European Tour has had to get in bed with some shady Middle Eastern regimes to stay afloat financially and be competitive with the PGA Tour, particularly after the 2008 recession devastated Europe’s economy and dried up a lot of the sponsorship money. It’s no coincidence that the Race to Dubai, the Euro Tour equivalent of the FedEx Cup, began in 2009. This arrangement worked well for everyone involved: the Euro Tour got three marquee tournaments early in the season plus a big money season-ending tournament in Dubai, the UAE, and Qatar gave massive appearance fees to the world’s best players and got to show off perfectly manicured courses with a beautiful skyline built by slave labor in the background. Everyone except the slave labor was happy. Unfortunately, that all changed in early 2017, thanks to none other than Donald Trump. 

For reasons beyond the scope of this blog, the UAE and Saudi Arabian governments have long considered Qatar a regional adversary. So when Trump went to Saudi Arabia and put his hand on the orb (remember that? It was somehow only three years ago!), the UAE and Saudis took that as a green light to advance their Qatar agenda, which included blocking commercial flights to Qatar. And because the Qatar portion of Blood-Soaked Oil Money Bag Season (BOMBS) was sandwiched between the UAE events, the players couldn’t get to Qatar without a massive, hugely inconvenient detour, and the strength of field suffered greatly. By 2018, the Qatar tournament had been relegated to Frequent Flyer Miles Season, with a reduced prize pool and a field bereft of big names. All of which paved the way for the announcement of Qatar’s replacement, the Saudi International.

While the UAE and Qatar’s issues with human rights could largely be swept under the rug, Saudi Arabia is so cartoonishly villainous that even people who don’t pay attention to golf started taking notice, especially when big names from the USA and Europe started accepting seven-figure appearance fees to show up and promote Saudi Arabia’s effort to “grow the game”. And it was made even worse when the big story from the inaugural 2019 edition wasn’t Dustin Johnson’s win, it was Sergio Garcia having an all-out temper tantrum and stomping his feet on the greens like he was Rick James on Charlie Murphy’s couch.

Sergio was disqualified from the event, and as further punishment, he is playing this year’s edition without an appearance fee (the horror!). Strong stomachs are recommended if you’re going to watch this year’s event.

Sadly, this is apparently what it takes to keep the European Tour (and most international sports) afloat financially, but when you’re in bed with people so awful you need to have a Modern Slavery Statement on your website, it might be time to reconsider some choices.

European Season

Only 20 of the 48 events on the tour actually take place in Europe, starting April 30th in Spain and ending with the regular-season finale in Portugal on October 25th. These events vary wildly in prize pools and prestige: there are several events with $7M prize pools, highlighted by the BMW PGA Championship at Wentworth in September, all the way down to the $1M prize pool Czech Masters in August. This is when most of the best events on the tour are, and for people on the East Coast of the US, it offers the ability to watch live golf at normal morning hours without staying up crazily late or getting up before dawn.

Sadly, the Olympics has messed up the schedule a little bit, meaning we no longer get the Irish Open-Scottish Open-British Open in consecutive weeks, but there are still lots of great events here. If you like watching pros get slaughtered, you’ll love the European Season opening Valderrama event; that course is a tree-lined nightmare. The Denmark event is great too, as close to the Phoenix Open carnival atmosphere as you’ll get on the Euro Tour. 

The highlight of the summer though might be a new event in Sweden: the Scandinavian Mixed presented by Henrik Stenson and Annika Sorenstam. This tournament will feature an equal number of men and women competing against each other on the same course from different tees, and I can’t wait. The potential for this event to get all the worst people on the internet incredibly mad is off the charts. Just imagine the whining from the usual suspects if the top three and eight of the top ten are women. Picture how many meatheads will tell on themselves crying about “politically correct” course setup. “If you want equality, shouldn’t you have to play from the same tees?” I’m giddy with anticipation.

Final Series

The last three events of the season in November are in Turkey, South Africa, and Dubai respectively, and are open to the top 70, 60 and 50 in the Race to Dubai standings. Only the Dubai event is a true playoff event, as the other two hand out sponsors exemptions and local exemptions. The Tour has tried all sorts of different things to get the top European players to show up to all three events, including last year when they raised the first prizes to $2 million/$2.5 million/$3 million. Unfortunately for them, it hasn’t worked for the Turkey and South Africa events. The top guys make so much money now that even the chance to beat 59 other guys to win $2.5 million doesn’t register. They’d probably need money comparable to the FedEx Cup to make it happen, and even the House of Saud won’t cough up that kind of cash.

The Broadcast

If you’re tired of the PGA Tour’s overly corporatized TV broadcast, with its endless FedEx Cup graphics, CEO interviews, and announcers who can’t be bothered to learn anything about the players, then the Euro Tour broadcast is for you. It’s led by the longtime voice of the Tour, Scotsman Dougie Donnelly. A professional to his fingertips, Dougie (pronounced like Doogie Houser) takes the time to learn to pronounce names from all over the globe and keeps the atmosphere light without coming off as a shill for the tour or the players (take notes, Dan Hicks). What a concept.

On the color commentary, there are several former players who rotate through depending on the location and prestige of the tournament. European Ryder Cup legend Sam Torrance is one of the best; he roots for the players to have success without being obnoxious and has perfected the “I’m not mad, just disappointed” tone whenever someone makes a mistake. Mark James, another former Ryder Cup captain, doesn’t show up too often, but when he does he’s an FCC nightmare: I have no idea how he’s allowed on the air. He’s the epitome of the stodgy old Brit with problematic opinions on various foreign countries.

A sampling:

Other announcer: “Shane Lowry raised an interesting philosophical question recently: which side of a golf bag is the front and which is the back?”

James: “The front is the side with your name on it. That’s not much of a philosophical question, maybe an Irish philosophical question…”

He’s still on the air! I also enjoy Tony Johnstone, the Zimbabwean who won six Euro Tour events between 1984 and 2001. He was a notoriously slow player in his day, to the point where he still takes abuse for it from his fellow commentators. He also got liquored up during the 2017 Masters, and in a since-deleted tweet, said something like “Fuck me sideways! Rosie and Sergio! This is a blinder!”. Legend.

Sadly, this section wouldn’t be complete without a mention of Jay Townsend, the only American on the broadcast. Townsend had limited success playing in Europe and South Africa during his career, and you can see why he never got over the hump: he overanalyzes every situation to the point where you’re close to yelling “Shut Up!” at the TV. Rory McIlroy once tweeted he was a “failed golfer” when Townsend second-guessed his course management, which might seem harsh, but unlike Torrance, Townsend seems to relish in highlighting what he believes are mistakes, in the way of a bad teacher who hates his students.

The Ryder Cup! It’s back!

The Ryder Cup is back this year, as Europe looks to retain the cup they won in France in 2018. There are nine automatic qualifying spots available for the European team, and the competition figures to be fierce, so let’s take a look at who might make it, starting with the guys on the 2018 team.

Definitely returning barring injury: Rory McIlroy, Jon Rahm, Justin Rose, Tommy Fleetwood

Likely returning unless age catches up with them: Sergio Garcia, Ian Poulter, Henrik Stenson, Paul Casey

Shockingly not a lock: Francesco Molinari

From May 2018 to April 2019, Molinari had a pretty good case as the best player in the world. In that span, he won the Open, the BMW PGA, Bay Hill, and another PGA tour event, finished first in the Race to Dubai, and finished fifth in the Masters and third in the WGC Match Play. And of course he went 5-0-0 in the Ryder Cup. But since then, he doesn’t have a top ten. Hard to believe, but if he doesn’t start playing better this year he’s not going to make the team.

Talented but completely insane: Tyrrell Hatton

Off the course, he seems like a normal guy. On the course, he’s completely and utterly insane, frequently yelling obscenities at himself and his golf ball. Despite this, he’s a world-class iron player, leading the European Tour in strokes gained: approach by a wide margin, and he had a strong finish to 2019 with a win in Turkey. If I’m a European fan, I’m hoping he doesn’t make the team, because he could completely lose it faced with a hostile American crowd, especially on the greens where his putter sometimes betrays him. Would be fun for everyone else though!

Likely one and done: Alex Noren

Noren was unlucky not to make the 2016 team, as his heater of four wins in five months came mostly after the qualifying period, and he kept up the strong play the next two years, shooting a Sunday 62 to win the BMW PGA, winning the French Open back when that was an important Euro Tour event, and losing a Monday playoff to Jason Day at Torrey Pines after he got iced on the 72nd hole by J.B. “Pace Car” Holmes. But he had a poor year in 2019 while trying to play both the PGA and Euro Tours, and has seen his world ranking plummet to the point where he probably won’t be in majors or WGCs. If he never makes another Ryder Cup team, the long putt he holed on the 18th green to beat Bryson DeChambeau at Le Golf National is a great way to go out.

Definitely one and done: Thorbjorn Olesen

The law frowns upon pissing in the aisle of an airplane and groping sleeping female passengers. So does the Tour, who suspended him indefinitely. Good riddance.

Likely to return to the team: Matt Fitzpatrick 

Fitzpatrick had as good a 2018-19 campaign as you can have without winning, racking up a ridiculous five solo seconds between the PGA and European Tours, and finishing fifth on the Race to Dubai. He’s not the longest hitter, but is solid in every facet of the game and is one of the best putters in the world. Should be back on the team after a disappointing 2016 Ryder Cup showing.

Not as likely to return to the team: Thomas Pieters, Rafa Cabrera-Bello, Danny Willett

Pieters looked like a future superstar during the 2016 Ryder Cup but has hugely underachieved since then, thanks to a hot temper and a cold putter. Showed signs of life at the end of last year, but often lets one bad shot turn into a bad round. 

Cabrera-Bello also had a great Ryder Cup debut in 2016, and since then he’s been his usual solid self, racking a ton of made cuts and money but only one win, and that win was a charitable donation in the Scottish Open when Callum Shinkwin y***ed a couple short ones on the 18th green. Seems destined for a career as a Euro Tour Guy.

Willett is a great story, coming back from the dead following his post-Masters doldrums with two big Euro Tour wins, highlighted by out-dueling Jon Rahm at the BMW PGA in an epic battle last year. Still maddingly inconsistent, but the automatic qualifying systems tend to favor Jekyll and Hyde types like him, so one more big win might be enough. You could have won quite a lot of money in 2017 betting he’d be higher in the world rankings than Jordan Spieth at the end of 2019.

Some potential Ryder Cup rookies:

Shane Lowry:  He’s somehow never made the Ryder Cup! Only concern here is he might just spend the year riding the high of his Open win and collecting appearance fee checks in far-flung corners of the world.  

Viktor Hovland: US Amateur champion and dominant college player who’s been racking up top 20s in his brief pro career. Has all the talent but will probably need to earn an automatic spot on the team given the depth on the European side. Will be playing on sponsor’s invites during Blood-Soaked Oil Money Bag Season, as he doesn’t have Euro Tour status yet, but it’s only a matter of time.

Matt Wallace: Very nearly played his way onto the last Ryder Cup team but wasn’t picked over the proven veterans and will be out to make up for that his year. Didn’t win in 2019 after three wins in 2018 but did have five top threes including a T3 at the PGA. Fierce competitor who would be a lot of fun to watch in a US-hosted Ryder Cup, could become the next Ian Poulter and thrive in the hostile environment or could punch a fan. I hope he makes the team!

Bernd Wiesberger: Came back from injury to have a career year in 2019 with three wins, including two big Euro events in the Scottish Open and Italian Open. Will be in all the WGCs and majors this year which will show if that run was for real. Solid player but might not even be the best Austrian…

Matthias Schwab: Hugely talented player who was a college star at Vanderbilt and has racked up sixteen top tens in his two seasons on tour so far. Should have won in Turkey last year and it feels like only a matter of time for him.

Victor Perez: Big hitting Frenchman who had a great rookie season last year, winning the Dunhill Links and finishing the season with top fives in Turkey and Shanghai. Even more impressively, was sixth in SG: Off the Tee and 11th in SG: Approach. A formula for success if he keeps making putts like he did at the end of the season.

Robert MacIntyre: A rare European lefty who narrowly edged out Perez for rookie of the year last season. Hits a power cut like many top players, and seems likely to get his first win in short order.

Eddie Pepperell: Terrific iron player who’s become better known for his online presence than his game, but sadly seems to have suffered from an acute case of online brain poisoning. Used to write insightful personal blogs, but has been more interested in right-wing social media controversies, culminating with tweeting out…a white power hashtag.  You hate to see it. Was last seen getting himself DQ’d from the Turkey event for running out of golf balls, a performance that may have cost him a spot in the year-end top 50 and a Masters spot. Get it together, Eddie.

Let’s talk about some Euro Tour guys

Victor Dubuisson: One of my favorites. Noted introvert who had a tough upbringing he refuses to talk about, has been known to go Marshawn Lynch during media sessions, and frequently withdraws from tournaments to go fishing when he’s not hitting it well and doesn’t feel like playing anymore. After his most notable finish, a second place in the WGC Match Play in 2014, Ryder Cup captain Paul McGinley tried to call him to offer congratulations and a welcome to the team, but couldn’t reach him because Victor had changed his cell number to get away from the attention. A true inspiration. Barely hung onto his card last year but will always have my support.

Pablo Larrazabal: Hit one of the greatest driver off the decks in golf history last year in the first event of Blood-Soaked Oil Money Bag Season. Not exaggerating.

The shot:

The result:

Has often not even bothered to try to qualify for the US Open in recent years, he’s content to just enjoy life in Europe. 

Haotong Li: As Haotong’s number one fan, it’s been a very difficult six months: no top tens and a disastrous President’s Cup, where he learned his class clown personality goes over well when you’re playing well, but not so well when you’re unplayable in a team event your side lost by 2 points. Now he’s well outside the top 50 in the world and isn’t guaranteed status on the European Tour beyond this year. The good news is he’s still an elite driver of the ball, finishing 2nd on tour in SG: Off the Tee each of the last two years. I’m not panicking yet, but if he struggles during Blood-Soaked Oil Money Bag Season, it might be panic time, as he’s dominated that stretch in his short career so far.

Jeunghun Wang: Was a three time winner by age 21 and looked like a future star, but fell off since and was in grave danger of losing his card last year before a remarkable rally at the end of the season. Showed tremendous heart in doing so and will look to bounce back this year.

Kurt Kitayama: A great example of how quickly someone can rise to the top of the European Tour; Kitayama was grinding on the Asian Tour before getting through all three stages of Q-School in 2018, and promptly won twice and had three other top fours. Went from 1174th in the world at the end of 2017 to 77th now. I’m always surprised more Americans don’t try European Tour Q-School instead of hoping to get through the Korn Ferry.

Richard Bland: Back on tour this year after losing his card in 2018 and having to go through the Challenge Tour in 2019. Most guys would have thought about calling it a career if they lost their card at age 45, but Blandy decided to grind it out for minuscule prize pools on Europe’s second tier, locking up third on the Challenge Tour rankings with season-ending top 10s in Foshan and Hainan. It always looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders whenever you see him in contention, which is understandable for a guy who hasn’t won since a 2001 Challenge Tour event. Would be an incredible story if he could win one this year.

Julien Guerrier: Another example of perseverance bordering on stupidity. In his 13-year pro career, he’s racked up 170 career starts on the Challenge Tour before finally getting through to the Euro Tour with two wins in 2017. He played well enough to keep his card in 2018, but then sat out most of 2019 with back problems. Now he’s back on a medical extension in 2020. Must have quite the wealthy family or sponsors because there’s no way he made a profit playing the Challenge Tour for 10 years.

Clement Sordet: At last year’s French Open, the penultimate event of the year, Sordet found himself barely on the right side of the bubble to keep his card. He was in a good position to make the cut on Friday, and any sort of paycheck would have likely gotten him enough points to keep his card. As he stood on the 18th tee at Le Golf National, all he needed was a quadruple-bogey 8 to make the cut (although he didn’t know that at the time.) He bailed out right off the tee away from the water, then hit his second approach into the water short of the green. His drop left him a full wedge in for his fourth, and he chunked that in the water too. He dropped again, and this time hit a great wedge inside 10 feet. Then he ran the putt two feet by, didn’t take his time with the comebacker, lipped it out, and tapped in for a 9. The next week he missed the cut and finished four spots short of keeping his card.

He’ll still get some starts next year, but he ever comes back from that, he’s a better man than I am because I would have started crying, walked into the water and never been heard from again. Good luck to you, Clement.

That seems like a good place to stop. If I didn’t talk about your favorite player, it’s because I don’t like him or you. Thanks for reading.