A North Korean film critic's take on The Interview

A review of The Interview by Jung Hyunghoon, the former official DPRK film critic of the revolution:Revolutionaries, there have always been great obstacles to our glorious destiny as the true advancers of socialism in the world. These foreign oppressors, mainly the United States, E.U., and the perfidious traitors in the South continue to block the unstoppable march of the glorious revolution. Under the sublime leadership of our eternal Marshal Kim Jong Un, the revolutionary vanguard of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea shall prevail over its many backwards enemies. No one can stop march from Mt. Paektu started by Eternal Leader Kim Il Sung and continued by Eternal President Kim Jong Il. Final victory approaches! As written in glorious newspaper Rodong Sinmun on December 23, the U.S. “is being reduced to dregs of history” because they are incarnation of Evil in world today. The Western devils have dared to mock and lampoon eternal Marshal/Supreme Leader/People's Secretary Kim Jong-Un in new film released in late 2014 called The Interview. Devil incarnates Seth Rogen and James Franco have launched an American declaration of war against glorious revolutionary vanguard of DPRK. The film depicts graphic attacks against DPRK and eternal Marshal Kim Jong Un. Furthermore, it also has meaning of shameless mockery against the DPRK and it will be forever punished by people of DPRK.But the film contains many historical inaccuracies and lies that further denigrate the creators of this film. These inaccuracies are galling to this writer because the medium of film is very powerful. Our fallen revolutionary cousins in the Soviet Union pioneered new cultural exposition and experience in film with films such as The Battleship Potemkin by Sergei Eisenstein, a film that depicts true revolutionary ideas and revolutionary cinematography. Millions of Soviet citizens watched this film to learn historical truth unfiltered by Western confusion. Cultural geniuses of DPRK have also created great works of truth that defend revolutionary cause along cultural ideas of Juche.Therefore, The Interview perpetuates lies to the uninformed masses of the world who do not understand meaning of DPRK’s socialistic revolution. In one scene, Marshal Kim Jong Un is shown weeping, which is an impossibility because Kim Jong Un is strong leader who knows no weakness. After all, Kim Jong Un once wrestled twenty-five professional wrestlers simultaneously and defeated them all singlehandedly. In other scene, James Franco, who is playing Dave Skylark, the worthless host of capitalist television program, asks our glorious Marshal, “Why don’t you feed your people?” This question is ludicrous because DPRK government figures report abundant surpluses of food for past 60 years! Seth Rogen should be asking obese masses of United States “Why don’t you feed your people less?” Overall, the film is relatively pointless and lacks any intelligence whatsoever. Much of movie focuses on so-called “human rights abuses” that DPRK government has proven to be a capitalist conspiracy against the revolution. Scenes of supposed “suffering” among the people of the DPRK are highlighted throughout the film. Of course, as any happy citizen of the DPRK knows, this is a total lie. The DPRK has no “human rights” abuses. Blood-stained nations like United States are the ones who have “human rights abuses”, namely allowing movies that depict deaths of eternally glorious leaders to be filmed in United States. Remember comrades, film is the most powerful medium, and it has been misused by American devils to conspire against our dear leader. Americans alone have not been acting in opposition to the revolution. No, it is also fault of the despicable Japanese at the SONY who have allowed such brazen attacks on dignity of DPRK. If Japan continue to act in such way, it will remain isolated from the international community. Japan to this day has not apologized for gross “human rights abuses” committed against Korea in the past and will be punished by the powerful army of DPRK when time is right.However, this critic must also address claims by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, one of the many American institutions that has never ever lied to its citizens. The FBI stated that the DPRK was responsible for the hack on SONY Pictures. This is clearly untrue. The DPRK would never attack a foreign movie studio over satire. The constitution of the DPRK protects rights of free speech, and we unfortunately cannot stop the criminally untrue statements of outlandish gangsters like Seth Rogen and James Franco. It is entirely possible that the secret friends of the DPRK may have righteously retaliated against Sony, but it is impossible for the government to have committed the hack. But if the United States and other nations continue their belligerent behavior, this critic must warn the enemies of DPRK of the future assaults that the DPRK will launch against its enemies. According to government sources, the country is prepared to reclaim its lost territories any day now, which has been the party’s opinion for the last fifty years. We await this with bated breath!On scale from 1 to 10, I give The Interview score of -24,052,231. Negative one point is given for all grievously offended citizens of Korea. The movie was labelled as a comedy. It is not funny. Comrades, we must remember that there is no room for comedy in the socialist revolution. There is room only for serious, hardworking workers who will help each other to  build a just society. The Interview is a despicable crime against the people of the DPRK and a crime against truth. The release of The Interview shows that the truth can be twisted by malicious organizations to mislead honest citizens. Truth is therefore malleable, and the medium of film has been used in this case to mold a false version of the DPRK. Comrades, remember and celebrate the truly great achievements of our revolution and dispel the lies that emanate from the bloodthirsty capitalist nations. Embrace the truth! Praise the glorious leader Kim Jong Un for arming us against the liars that surround the Korean people!NOTE: Jung Hyunghoon was imprisoned, tried, and executed for his traitorous views on the regime, specifically for suggesting that Kim Jong Un only defeated 25 professional wrestlers, when in actuality he defeated 35. The author also implied that our Eternal leader died in the plot of the movie, which is a fabrication because Kim Jong Un is most definitely immortal. This staggering omission confirmed that the accursed liar Jung Hyunghoon was indeed a spy of the Americans. This document has been placed in every newsroom in the country to serve as a warning for journalists who attempt to mislead the people of the revolution. We must root out internal corruption in order to achieve FINAL VICTORY!Postscript: I wrote this for my high school newspaper but it was sadly rejected for being "too immature".